mandyc898

mandyc898 @ 2009-12-14T21:04:00

2009-12-15T02:04:47Z

I love my girlfriend. A rediculous amount, truly beyond words. She is so compassionate, and understands me more than I couldve ever asked for. She gets me through the hardest points in my life, and pushes me to do better and get better. And I just need to write this somewhere, because I never thought I could really be this happy with someone. I truly deep down know we're going to end up together and we're going to have lovely little babies and im going to adopt lovely little babies.

And I really really miss my friends at school. this semester really taught me who my true friends are, and im so grateful for them. and abruptly leaving school, which I know was the right decision and probably saved my life, was so hard becasue its hard to see them with work and such. but I love them so much and every time i go up there I leave so happy.

And i really miss some of my old friends. some of them are rediculous and im so thankful to get them the hell out of my life and I truly hope they grow up soon and realize how fucked up theyve been to so many people. but there were some people I had in my life that really made me a better person and it makes me sad to think theyre really not a presence in my day to day life anymore. and i know time changes things and some people drift apart but its really sad, and I just needed to vent about it. i dont like to talk about some of this stuff with ashley sometimes because she doesnt really know them and it was just all so complicated, not that she wouldnt listen and be completely supportive, but there are some things that are just not something you want to really say out loud.

family isnt in the greatest shape financially, which im used to considering when i was younger we were barely making it money wise, but it still puts stress on the family, and id like to just win the lottery to make it all go away haha which is really just a cop out but its nice to think about sometimes

however i love the holidays, and I cant wait to celebrate christmas with ashley and my family and friends. and i really hope everyone i know and love has a truly amazing holiday season.

realllly thoughhh?!

2009-12-06T04:34:56Z

Just stop. both of you.

You both have made mistakes when it came to your friendhip, which ultimately led to the demise of it in the end. You both said some shitty things to eachother, things that you can apologize for later, but leave a scar too deep to ever fully heal. You both have done things to hurt the other in the past. And you both need to stop.

You are amazing people. you have wonderful potential. but talking about eachother on livejournal is below both of you, and you know it. Both of you need to dig within yourself, realize what you did wrong in this relationship, how you couldve acted differently to make things better, and use that in the future to keep history from repeating itself with some other friend along the road. You are both so full of love and compassion, how can you honestly be this hateful and hurtful? I don't care if youre writing things that sound positive and like youre healing and moving on, because underneath all of it youre both insulting and putting eachother down. AND NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAVE MOVED ON. and you know this. and i know this. and it still hurts both of you everday because you still care about eachother. so stop hurting yourself by trying to deny this pain that is being masked by severe anger. and i am not going to keep reading this stuff you write and getting upset enough for the both of you.

take ten minutes to remember all the amazing qualities of this person you once loved beyond words, and now harbor such hate for. seriously. ten minutes of your time needs to be spent on all the wonderful memories you shared. i dont care what you think of eachother now because youre both wrong and blinded by such obscene anger. i constantly think of all the amazing times you guys had together, how supportive you were of eachother, how you pushed eachother to do better.

and now youre both turning into something i could never see happening. youre both being downright mean, and its not fair, and its not okay. stop fighting fire with fire, you just get burnt, and everything ends in loss. you dont have to be friends. nobody is saying that has to happen. but stop putting such a negative tone on something that wasnt so horrible.

and i cant even believe you wrote the first livejournal entry with such hateful comments and blatant insults towards her. honestly that hurt me, i can only imagine how she felt. sitting with her at her computer looking at her practically in tears reading that freaking livejournal entry made me want to throw up. photography is a wonderful career, and has saved millions of lives. and you know that. so please remember the positive effects of positive news next time you insult someones life choice. i love you and you are amazing, and you were the last person i expected to ever do something like that. and i know why you did it, i understand what led you to that. but it wasnt okay, and no amount of reasoning makes it right. and you know that, so i dont need to tell you any of it. forgive yourself for that hurtful act and learn from it, like i know you will.

and i cant believe you reacted to this firt livejournal entry with such hate. you were so sad. just looking at the hurt in your eyes over some stupid freaking misunderstood text message killed me, you dont even understand how much. but this doesnt mean you should be blatantly talking shit about her on livejournal. look how much it tore you apart when she did it, why would you stoop to this level. you are the sunshine of my life =) and i miss you since ive left school. step up and remember youre better than that, you don't hate her no matter what you say, and you know shes a good person, maybe misguided sometimes, but a genuinely good person. and youve been misguided as well so try not to judge so harshly

and i am not judging either of you nor am i saying im any better than you. i love you both regardless of how much we talk. and i care about you and think about you all the time. both of you. lets get past this.

<3

mandyc898 @ 2008-09-17T09:07:00

2008-09-17T13:09:51Z

Love me when I least deserve it, because thats when I need it most.

Dummbbbb.

2008-09-11T23:16:15Z

Everything is going well at school, and at home. I'm doing fine in my classes and actually attending them. I hang out with people a lot and spend a good amount of time alone. And for some freaking reason i'm still not happy. What the hellllll.

mkay

2008-07-29T23:11:35Z

People are so interesting.
I love my job and I love my adorably amazing students.
Make a move already!
We are all too shy and need to learn to go after what we really want (including myself)

oh snaps.

2008-06-06T00:05:30Z

I'm in Fitchburg sitting on a couch in Thompson, its a splendid time. The person I was staying with (so I could take my summer class here and not worry about driving since I don't have a car) just flipped out at me because I took their spare apartment keys home with me for the weekend. Mind you, she also went home, so she wasnt even at her apartment and would have no use for the spare keys, annnnd they told me to just keep them till the day I left, which is tommorow. And they decided to tell me they were mad I took the keys home FOR ONE DAY.....today.. when this clearly happened ON FRIDAY. and then decided to yell at me for taking advantage of them? And when I asked how I ever took advantage of them, all they could say was I didnt hang out wiht them. My bad for going to class and the library to do homework FOR THE SUMMER CLASS IM HERE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. best part- they yelled at me for not hanging out with them RIGHT after we got back from doing HER errands because SHE needed to pick up stuff for her graduation- and decided to yell at me for "taking advantage of her" as i was doing her dishes and cooking her dinner. people are insane. And I was bawling my eyes out on the quad because they kicked me out haha which im laughing at now. Actually I kind of stormed out and then had to go back for my stuff because I wasnt going to stay with someone who was verbally abusing me. And then I was like wow fuccccck this because I was nothing but nice for the last two weeks bringing them home food, cleaning up, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, etc. and so they can suck it. Normally I wouldn't say that and i'd feel bad but no wayyyy i didnt freakin do anything I was overly polite and thats fucking stupid.

ON a positive note my commonwealth of the arts class is pretty interesting. We went on a bunch of fieldtrips which was suhweeeet. we went to the museum of fine arts, a museum of pianos in ashburnham (and im piano obsessed so it was greeeat), the fitchburg museum, and concord for an interperative dance performance and the concord museum. My teacher is quite eccentric which is great for me because I love that hahaha. She's all over the place but shes wicked nice and fun and very upbeat. I love art.

I go back home tonight since dick head flipped out at me and I dont want to stay with her, so I have to come back tommorow for my final. But then I have the weekend off and get to go back to my fam and friends and job, all of which I love.

ex girlfriends suck. and they confuse the shit out of me

I lost financial aid at the college as of right now because I flipped my shit last semester and failed all my classes cuz I went a bit insane. But the dean is the man and he sounds like hes gonna hook me up because of all the shit I went through. I like him, and he has a cute face like santa so its a bonus for him.

I love quotes! and poems! I was looking around for some online and it was a good time. I keep them on my computer in word documents so I can post them all over my dorm room walls because they keep me sane. That and pictures of random shit I find and like.

The Museum of Fine Arts is free every Wednesday after 4pm. I need to go back. It was amazing. Come with?

I am being really random but thats how my brain works so oops.

Flashback

2008-05-27T04:24:21Z

I hate when people from your past decide to just jump right back into your present, without any warning. Especially when you haven't heard from them (besides the random im's or facebook messages) in around 3 years. My past with some people ended kind of messy, and I was really hurt by the situation. And then all of a sudden this person from my past decided it would be a great idea for us to start talking again. It took me completely by surprise, and now I have to deal with all these emotions that are coming back because of what had happened. I hate that people can just jump back into your life and completely mess with your head, while i'm pretty sure they're probably out having a good time not even thinking about this situation, which is most likely going to keep me up half the night. I hate caring so much about people who completely fucked me over, and don't know how to just tell them off.

quick update

2008-05-20T02:28:48Z

So I started my new job yesterday at the rocky mountain chocolate factory store in the mall. AMAZING. I get to dip chocolate stuff and decorate caramel apples which have so many toppings its insane. and the people who work there are really nice and laid back, and you get a 30% discount which is amazing because I love chocolate. Its a crapload of work but it'll be fun.

I am mad at my computer right now because the shift button is being annoying and works, and then randomly doesn't work.

I dunno i'm in a pretty average mood, and don't really have much to say right now. my kitty is sick which is sad but we won't know whats wrong with her until tommorow. I'm also taking a RAD class (rape/agression/defense) which just started today, and it seems like its going to be pretty awesome. my step sister and rory are taking it as well, so we'll all kick some butt together.

other than that, i dont really know. life's pretty chill at the moment. and im too tired to divulge into anything, so we'll leave it at that.

Home

2008-05-15T07:24:26Z

The wife called today to tell me her 9 year old sister came downstairs tonight crying. She yelled "its eating me alive I cant lie anymore, I am bisexual!" hilarious!!! Then she went on to explain that she liked boys because they were strong and could lift heavy things for her, but she liked girls because they were pretty and she liked to cuddle with them and tell them everything. I love kids. I dont even know how she found out what bisexual is, but wifey is too! maybe it runs in the family <3

I started realizing recently that I pretty much meet someone, and then create their entire personality in my head, which isnt very normal hahaha. I make up stories about people I don't really know that well, about what they do with their life, and how they act, and then I start to really like them. Like I do know them somewhat, and build off their character, but I tend to embelish and assume things about them that I have no idea about. Then I realize half this shit is just stuff I wish they were, and I have no idea if it's even true. My imagination is very problematic (how the f do you spell that) sometimes. And then i'll probably really get to know them and be dissapointed, because it'll be like watching the movie to a book you already have read, and being pissed that the character in the movie isn't exactly like the one you imagined while reading the book. That happens a lot.

If you want me to know something, or if you want anyone to know something, just tell them. Because it's sad when months down the road you regret never saying anything. Not getting the response you were looking for can severely suck, but how will you ever know until you try? And at least you can say you had the courage to speak up.

I am tired. HOORAY! thats a first.

Glad to be home. Going to some gay club in manchester tommorow with sara kerry lynne and some random ass people. hopefully will be fun. I get to see the wife so it'll be a good time regardless. <3 her.

Things I've been thinking about:

2008-05-14T06:25:20Z

Things I've Been Thinking About Recently:

- I love so many people soooo freaking much
- I really don't hate anyone, and I don't feel like I ever really will, which is so nice to say, and surprisingly truthful
- I really enjoy oranges
- How much I love writing everything in my head down, and how it helps me sleep better. and how I tend to forget
  people can actual read this, because I just write to get this out of my overactive head, not to share with anyone?
- There are always people on campus that I want to get to know better,
or think would be a great friend, so why don't I freakin make it happen?!
- How cool it is that I can read intimate things about peoples lives that I would never have known had it not been for livejournal, and how a livejournal entry could give me a completely different outlook on someone
-I haven't watched tv in 4 days, and it's been exceptionally refreshing
- I am becoming a huge fan of gatorade
- People have so much going on-- the world is such a complicated place
- There could be someone across the other side of the world who is
   just like me, will I ever meet them?
- Will fate bring us together in the end, or will me believing fate (instead of action)
    will bring us together really just end up keeping us apart?
- There are so many people who I want to be close to, but for some reason I don't
think its the right time in my life to mold that relationship. Why is that? and when is it time?
- I love popsicles. At any time
- How I need to find a tattoo design for my sisters so we can get matching tattoos that have meaning to them.
- That I will be a teacher in a few years. Holy shit
- I wonder if i'll end up being a teacher? or going in a completely different direction with my life
- That I cannot wait to fall hopelessly in love, and be comfortable with it, and not absolutely petrified, or skeptical, as usual
- Adopting children, and raising them with someone wonderful
- What my father is doing right now, and if i'll ever see him again
- If I really will end up writing a book like I dream
- Why I buy all the dumb things I do, when I really don't need them.
- What Africa looks like in person
- That I want to get a pet pig when I move into my own place. And put a pink bow in his/her hair.
- That RENT has amazing music.
- Chronicles of Narnia 2 is coming out soooo soon. =)
- I need a new book soon. What will I read next?
- Homeless people in Harvard Square, and how I hope to actually follow through and bring them food
and clothes and just hang out and hear their stories, like I always think about
- That I really need to volunteer this summer, because it makes me so much happier
- Why I don't spend more time outside, or around more people?
- Why I become creeped out by nice people who care about me, and attracted to those who treat me like shit?
- How much I can still do with my life
- How thankful I am for having my mother, and having such strong morals, and emotional attachments and compassion
  with people because of her. I find it scary sometimes how many people I truly love. And how I don't even know a good handful of    them. How cool is that, to be able to feel love for someone you really don't even know. Humans rock!
- That there may be aliens, and I hope they're cool, because I'd like to meet some. And I kind of hope they're polka-dotted so that way people were completely wrong about them being green, and it'll be like an alien inside joke about humans and their crazy ideas about aliens.
- If I really get extremely sad because of what i've been told by the doctors really is true, or if i'm just being dramatic, and need to snap out of it
- Who I am close with now, that will still be a part of my life 20 years from now
- That Guster makes my life so much more fulfilling. Honestly haha. And Ani difranco. I probably listen to them both every day
- That I look like a bug in my sunglasses, but thats pretty much why I bought them,
- That I think I'm nicer than I am, which would seriously suck, because I'd like to have a realistic picture of myself
- If i'll ever be happy with how I look
- If i'll ever learn to not give a shit about how I look, because It really doesnt matter
- What it would be like to meet god, and find out hes actually like 4 feet tall and chubby with pink cheeks and dredlocks or something completely different from what we've assumed.
- That I think way too much. =)

someone who:

2008-05-13T17:31:32Z

I'd like to find someone who:

- Has compassion for something, and isn't scared to show it
- Loves deeply, and sometimes without question
- Has some sense of who they are, and is still living in order to figure the rest out
- Will not put their morals and values aside for someone's attention
- Doesn't need the approval of people who don't even deserve it
- Finds drugs unnecessary, and alcohol a rare interruption in their life
- Isn't afraid of making a complete fool of themselves to make someone smile
- Has some sort of faith. And who doesn't use religion as an excuse to do horrible things and get away with it.
- Is against violence.
- Wants to know the world, and would rather visit a country and live amongst the natives, than seeing it through the window of a cruise ship
- Doesn't use alcohol as an excuse for poor behavior/decisions
- Isn't afraid to voice their opinion, and fight for what they truly believe in, but is also willing to see the other side of an arguement
- Cares about others, and tries to see all sides of a situation
- Will push me, and teach me new things about life
- Will be pushed, and is willing to learn new things about life
- Digs deep to really get to know someone, and doesn't just base their opinion on what everyone else sees of someone
- Can see the good in everyone- even in the people who have done horrible things to others
- Is willing to forgive, and wants to make right, and is willing to feel uncomfortable in order to do so
- Has some baggage, and is willing to gain some
- Isn't perfect, and isn't looking for perfection
- Is easygoing
- Has a great sense of humor, but knows when to be serious and when to be funny
- Gets along with my friends and family, and wants to get to know them
- Can deal with my crazy flaws
- Tries not to be judgemental
- Understands my need for a lot of alone time
- Is comfortable with homosexuality, all races, the homeless, people with special needs
- Wants someone to compliment them, not to complete them
- Will pull me out of my shell
- Is more comfortable with affection than I am
- Doesn't just make out with someone or randomly hook up with people for attention, or due to insecurity
- Will stand up to me if I am being mean, or if they think i'm doing something they know is wrong
- Is willing to fight and make up
- Is aggressive, and will see me pushing them away, and just push right back in the other direction
- I have a sexual, emotional, and intellectual connection with
- Worries about the well-being of others, and cares about the lives of others, even though they might not know them
- Isn't sexist, racist, homophobic, shallow, or is, but is willing to work on changing it, because they know its wrong
- Loves to smile and laugh, and is very easygoing
- Wants to go out to the movies, and out to eat, and out on crazy adventures
- Is extremely spontaneous
- Can have long deep conversations about all the mysteries of life
- Has some interest in music, and is willing to go to concerts
- Is not typical
- Understands my deep connections with my family, and the not-so-deep connections I have with other family members
- Is comfortable with my being bisexual, and doesn't think "its just a phase"
- Is a night owl
- Can deal with a relationship maturely, especially when I cannot
- Makes me think and keeps me on my toes
- Loves kids, and wouldn't be against adopting
- Would stay up all night just to talk or drive to random places for absolutely no reason
- Is outgoing, and friendly
- Understands my emotional intensity, and knows what that even means
- Is respectful of everyone, and is polite
- Is adorably awkward
- Understands my anxiety, and knows how to pull me out of it
- Gets intrigued by new things
- Who is artistic in some way

- Who may have made mistakes in any or all of these areas, but is willing to learn from them, and move on from the past towards bettering themselves in those areas. And who understands I have and will make mistakes in any/all of these areas but am willing to do the same.

Seriously, where are these people, because i've yet to run into one.

People.

2008-05-12T10:12:40Z

Youth Pride was yesterday. I swear to god everyone there is getting younger and younger. I will not be going back next year, because I felt like a chaperone haha. But im seriously glad i went because it restored my faith in people, which i was losing more and more as the days passed.

It made me insanely happy to see all those young kids who have just started coming out, and are scared shitless, finally feeling like they fit in somewhere. We were talking to some kids on the train who had to go to the parade with a different GSA because their school wouldn't let them have a gay straight alliance which is just dumb. And they had to tell their parents they were going to the zoo because being gay just isnt acceptable to so many people. I felt so happy and sad for them at the same time. They were finally feeling welcome somewhere, and if they wanted to make out with someone they wouldn't be stared at for not being with someone of the opposite gender. It was also really sad to see how many people are out there that have to hide who they are from their families, friends, and people they don't even know. How it would feel to be so isolated and alone is beyond my comprehension honestly. I love the people who work so hard to put this event on every year for these teenagers, because for some of them, its the only day they feel they get to be themselves.

We even met a kid who just came out 2 weeks ago! amazing.

It also makes me feel sooooo thankful for my family. When I came out, my mom was just surprised and she said "I thought jen would be the gay one." which was hilarious, even to jen thankfully. =) She thought it was "just a phase" for a while, but then we had a long conversation about sexuality being fluid and relying on someones soul not their gender, and she was completely understanding and I really think she really got it after that. I still think she'll be a bit awkward at first if I decide to bring a girl home, but thats just because shes my mom, and think's ill be five forever. The only time I tried, I was too nervous to have my mom meet my girlfriend that I left before she came upstairs. woops! My sister michelle reacted by asking me that if we werent sisters, if I would think she was hot and ask her out. She wanted to know if the gay community would find her attractive. I found it interesting that I speak for the entire gay community. haha michelle makes me giggle so much sometimes. And jen keeps asking about my love life. i swear to god she wants me to have a girlfriend more than I do, because she knows im as insane as she is, so whoever I date must be as well, which would add another person to our crazy adventures. My step dad is utterly amazing and just jokes around about it, which is how he shows in his own little way that he is cool with it. And my friends are absolutely hilarious. I think my straight friends get more excited about gay pride events and rallies than I do. Everyone around me is so accepting and i've been extremely lucky, and I can't forget that because there are so many people out there who are on the verge of commiting suicide because they have nowhere to turn to and nobody who accepts them. =( why you couldn't accept genuine love in any form will always baffle me.

I had a random dream about my dad last night, which hasn't happened in months. I don't know if it was triggered because I was thinking about how little my dad knows me, since he doenst even know Im not straight. He probably doesnt even know im in college actually. It's weird to think that I havent seen him in around five years, except for the one time at my grandfathers funeral. Pathetic it takes your father dying for you to see your own kids. I thought i'd be angry when I saw him, but honestly I was just sad. I felt so bad for him, because he was obviously on a rediculous amount of drugs, and he has completely isolated himself from everyone. I wonder sometimes how he's living his life, and if he'll ever change. I get scared that the next time i'll see him will be at his funeral, which seems these days like it'll be sooner than id like. It's crazy how shitty someone can be to you and the people you love for years, and how you can still care about them that much. And it's weird to think about how I barely remember 5th grade because I blocked out so many memories, all due to one person. I have hope for him though. People can change, and I honestly hope he does for himself, and for the people he's torn apart all these years.

School ends in three days, and then i'm off for the summer. Im actually really looking forward to go home. I love home, but I thought id be sad about leaving, but honestly, im pretty relieved. So much crappy stuff has happened this semester, especially in the last week or so, and I just want to get away from it. So many people were angry with eachother and were leaving people out and talking about people behind their backs and im just so sick of it. Why do people feel the need to be so fucking mean to eachother? I dont mean to swear but honestly It makes me sick to think about how people purposely leave others out knowing how hurt they're going to feel. It sucks to look at my friends who are just sitting there not understanding why they're being left behind. The whole leaving people out charade has been happening a lot this semester, and I loathe it. I don't get why you can call someone a friend to their face, and then behind their back secretly make plans to not invite them to be around you. Why don't you want to help people feel welcome, and enjoy themselves? I could understand if these people were mean and horrible, and did horrid things, but they aren't which makes it terrible. And I tried planning a few things this year, like an event on v-day to try to get everyone together, and feeling included, and then people went and made some secret dumb party afterwards and didn't invite half of their friends. I quit trying to include people because everyone seems so against it these days. And a few of my friends are dealing with relationship/love issues right now. It sucks that amazing people are getting hurt and walked all over for stupid reasons. I honestly don't think i'll be dating someone any time soon, even in the next year or so, because i'm so disgusted with people and how they treat eachother. And I know myself too well and how emotionally overwhelmed I can get, and how deep i'll fall, and i'm not dealing with one of these heartless people. No thank you! I've done that quite a few times, and I am not in the mood for a repeat. I am far too in love with the idea of love to put myself through that again. =)

There are so many negative people, but I love love love those few people who are truly genuine. My god it makes me so happy to think about how amazing some people can be.

My sister jen is so great it makes me so happy just to think about her. Shes so like me which I find very refreshing. She wants to travel everywhere and anywhere, she is interested in what's going on in the world and feels compassion for people she doesn't even know. I showed her what was going on with blood diamonds, and she called me up telling me how she told john (her amazing boyfriend of 4 years) that if he proposes, she will only accept if he has the documents proving her ring is conflict-free. She also talked for about an hour how she doesn't even want a diamond, because it's so superficial, but she'd enjoy something personal so much more, like a ring with a unique stone or something special. I also made her read a book about the cruelty to animals, and she was so insanely interested in it that it made my month. We also went out and bought like $40 dollars worth of loose tea at this new tea store in the mall, and she wants to go back to buy a $200 tea set because it was so "tranquil." She also is waiting for me to read up on meditation and buddhism so I can let her know whats up. She's so intense, and has so many ambitions. I love that she relates to me on all these levels. We drive around talking about how we'd love to just give up our jobs and school and travel everywhere, and just live out of our car or just do something rediculous. She always talks about moving to hawaii and surfing for the rest of her life because shes my lil surfer girl. She's adorable and bought me a surfboard bookmark in hawaii because she knows my deep obsession with books. And it's hilarious becuase she is a 27 year old cop, and so many people she works with probably think shes this serious crime fighting woman, when really she's absolutely hilarious and nuts, and we have all this in common plus more.

And then there are people who I won't name, but are truly and utterly amazing. It amazes me how intense some people I know can be. I love that I have found people who enjoy sitting around for hours talking about the most random philisophical things, and then randomly talking about some stupid SNL skit. There are people around me who just seem so sad, and I want to fix all the broken things in their lives. Some of the most amazing people i've ever seen are hurting so much, and seem so empty right now, and If i didn't feel beyond creepy, i'd probably go right up and give them a hug and make them talk to me for hours about what is going on. Some people probably don't even realize that I'd sat around thinking about them and wishing I could just listen. God i'd love to know what was going on in some people's heads. And then there's people like emma (love you emmy!) who I talk to for hours about all my problems, and who gives exceptionally good advice, and can really help put things in perspective for me. And I feel grateful that she feels that she can come to me with her issues, and we talk for hours about everything in her life, and then we drink our shakes at friendlys at 1am, and emma spills some water on us =).

God I love human interaction, it's beyond crazy.

And I know i'm all over the place, but that's how my head works, so thats how my writing ends up as well. and I'm going to pretend im able to sleep since its 6am now and go lay in my bed and hope I do at some point. And It's funny because I hated the idea of livejournal but I find it exceptionally entertaining to write to myself on a regular basis, and go back and reread the crazy thoughts going on in my head from day to day.

Music: My Sanity

2008-05-06T22:25:44Z

Music is what keeps me together 99% of the time so I thought I owe it to all the fabulous songs I have been listening to most recently that keep me going.

"Sometimes Perfection can be, It can be perfect Hell, perfect...." -Jack's Mannequin- Bruised

"Cause its easier sometimes not to be involved, somehow I made you believe" - Guster- Demons

"And destiny gets nervous and.." -Something Corporate- She Paints Me Blue

"Dont act like youve been silent i know how you spread that web of contradictions" -Dashboard Confessionals-Keep watch for the mines

"how i wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me, its like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you cant read...just yet."- Death Cab for Cutie- I Will Posess Your Heart

"get me out of the rain you get me out of my clothes, hope but dont make a sound, you hope that nobody knows" -The Academy Is- checkmarks

"out of the house, she grabs the keys, runs to the woods, and doesnt leave a letter, that way the impact will be much better"- The Academy Is- Down and Out

"When you dream with a broken heart, the giving up is the hardest part"- John Mayer

"I dont want to be adored for what i merely represent to you" - Alanis Morisette- Not the doctor

there are plenty more but I'm done for now

blahhh

2008-05-06T21:14:10Z

Livejournal and I don't get along because somehow Ive made it so the last 4 entries I have all say they are from today....wtf.

Sleep is becoming an unnecessary luxury
I surround myself with people, but tune out the constant conversation going on around me
I have no attachment to anything being said
and human interaction is starting to interrupt my thoughts
when the fuck did this happen.

Ive retreated into my room, its become a cave, and I turn up the music
until I cannot hear anything but the chaos ive created whirling around inside my head.
Id rather be reading. Id rather have music. Id rather just think. Id rather be writing
Id prefer to be numb. Id prefer to ignore. Id prefer to isolate. Id prefer to stop pretending it all matters.
And they try so hard. My mom is lost and longs for communication, my stepdad gives me tapes on meditation
To calm my thoughts. Talk it out. Swallow the pills. Go outside. Be with friends.
And i'll pretend its all helping. I lie to keep them happy, but who knows what the real truth is about any of it anymore.
And I dont deny i'm happy every once and again. That I smile and I laugh and I appreciate and I enjoy.
But its becoming more and more of a memory than a constant.
And I keep distant enough from each of them so they don't realize
That my time is usually spent without any company.
And I wish it wasn't how I preferred it. But it is
Id rather be here. Id rather divulge into the lives of people
who don't know I notice their emptiness. their longing.
I take comfort in knowing I may not be the only one.

Id prefer not to think those I love are dealing with problems
That I find so utterly artificial.
Id prefer not to think so many people are as deep as a puddle.
And that nobody understands the people who run deeper than
you could ever imagine.
I notice. I just feel it. And I'd like to know. Id like to know more.

And I don't tell those closest to me how I am really feeling
And I don't care that the people who think they know me dont really know
Yet i'm telling anyone who cares to read
Everything that I wouldn't tell you.
And I know its my fault that you think you know me, and you never will
And I know its my fault you'll never fully understand me
And I know in some way I enjoy it that way
Because something about me thinks you shouldn't really know.
That you wouldn't really understand anyways.
Because you don't dig that deep.
And you'd think i'm crazy for feeling
More than I could possibly understand.
For being overwhelmed by my own thoughts.
Overwhelmed by my own emotions. Not understanding what I feel.
Even if you knew, you wouldn't know.
You. My friends. My family. My attachments.

I used to think it was privilege to feel so much.
To be one of those few people who
Really understand. And who really notice. notice too much.
And who don't worry about things like fights with friends
And drama, and being sad about not having typical college experiences
It's all so small
I used to think it was a privilege to feel
The pain of something so much deeper
To tune into emotions you wouldn't think you had
To notice feelings others dont even know they have.

But privelege sucks.
I try to explain my thoughts that dig deeper than Id hope
to other people.
Who just look at me like i'm crazy
And tell me not to look so deeply into things.
And are amused that I think so much about people
Who are rarely involved in my life.
Or who have yet to have a chance to grace myself with their presence.
When the fuck did this happen.

Maybe it didn't happen.
Maybe its always just. Been.
I was looking through my memories at home.
And I found my preschool evaluation.
My teacher said I was bright and friendly.
But I always seemed like I was looking off into my own world
Like I was sad about something distant.
She noticed
Which I find slightly amusing.
I was just old enough to talk, and she noticed
That I was already part of a world
That so many people dont bother to communicate with.
I don't even know who she is. But she saw me. Which is interesting.

Fuck.

2008-05-06T20:37:37Z

Something I wrote when I was feeling pretty slighted.

How can you believe you get me?

When I can’t even get myself

You preach how you will not regret me

Yet swear I’m toxic to your health?

Nobody wants to be diseased

Plagued with uncontrollable pain

Yet you stay tangled up inside me

Maybe it’s you that’s gone insane

I don’t pretend that I’m not damaged

I’ve never said I’m worth the fight

Yet here you are blaming me for your problems

Like it’s all laid out in black and white

The sad part is that you’ve almost convinced me

That I’m the one who’s in the wrong

You’ve shrunk me down to a size that fits you

To build your ego up nice and strong

I know I create problems that don’t exist

And I reek havoc on your land

But your enjoyment of my manipulation

Is what you refuse to understand

You like when I fuck with your feelings

Like it’s a game of cat and mouse

The chase is all that keeps you pining

It keeps you locked into this house

Yet I’m the one that needs to mend this?

I’m the problem in this mix

But if I wasn’t would you even still be here?

If there were no wounds left to lick

You’re looking for something normal

You say, you need a life that’s stable

Well what do I say to your protest?

You weren’t complaining as you tied me to the kitchen table.

Okay I’m crazy, yea maybe I’m psycho

But what’s the problem because I just don’t see it

Normal is what leads to countless infidelities

But those faithful type just refuse to believe it

Just because I’m not embarrassed

That I like my relationships complex

Does not mean that I side with the devil

Or that I’m only in it for the sex

You know what I think that the truth is?

I’m the normal one in this pair

Because at least I’ve come to terms with my distorted reality

While you’re still stuck here blaming me for your despair

Well fuck it I’ve let you free, go find

This normal life that you so desire

But don’t be surprised that when you finally smolder the flames

You find yourself longing for the fire.

mandyc898 @ 2008-05-06T15:18:00

2008-05-06T19:30:44Z

I wanted to rant about good stuff as well since my last one was a tad depressing:

I can get so blah about life, but last night I was watching sicko, and its about the horrible truths of insurance and hospitals in America. It made me feel so grateful for how healthy I really am, and how easy it has been for me to get medical care, and my family members as well. so many people go bankrupt just from paying for medical bills, and I am so lucky to not worry about that

I also get blah about money, because my family isnt the most financially stable bunch. My father never paid child support when my parents got divorced, and my mom doesn't have a degree, so she was a teaching assistant barely making ends meet. we almost had to sell the house a few times, and have been to food pantry's plenty of times, and been the kids on reduced lunch in high school. Thank god for my moms boyfriend (who is like a step dad in my eyes) who helps pay for everything in the house. I just get so upset because both my parents (mom and step dad) have spent all their savings to keep things running smoothly in our house, and when my dad left he took all my sisters and my college savings, so we are all paying for college with loans, which makes my mom feel so guilty. I read about homeless people, and people with no family however, and i cant help but be happy for where i am in my life financially. a lot of people cannot go to college, and are sitting alone in the streets begging for money. I have family by my side, and i am living in a house with heat and cable and groceries so really how can i complain. There's always someone out there with a much harder life than you, and when we are struggling wiht money, i try to keep that in mind. I also try to remember that society tells you that you need all these luxuries to be hapy but in reality, a freakin coach purse will do nothing for my happiness in my life. a expensive necklace doesnt make me laugh or smile, its my family and friends who do that.

Also, I have amazing friends, both here at school and at home. A lot of people i hang out with are so friendly and outgoing. My wife kerry is one of the most amazing people you will ever meet, and seriously could do no harm to another person. I never have a bad day where she isn't there for me, and i randomly go online to see that shes put up adorable away messages about me, for no reason, other than just to say she cares. My friends rory and alyssa from home are amazing, and all my close friends here are amazing as well. and the best part is that alot of my friends from home and school have met eachother, and get along so well! I practically teared up when I looked at kerry's invite on facebook for her 21st bday and saw that she invited sara and rory and alyssa. She just met these people through me and has known them for a short period of time, but is already close with them. it makes social gatherings that much more amazing when all you're friends know and like eachother =O). They all say how amazing and nice and caring i am, but honestly, i dont think they look in the mirror and give themselves enough credit, because i truly think they are more amazing than i ever could dream to be. I <3 my friends.

hmph.

2008-05-06T19:20:00Z

I don't understand how people can get so wrapped up in such little stuff. It seems like people feed off of drama sometimes and it seriously spreads like a plague, attacking anyone in it's path.

I feel so bad for those who get drunk all the time and then fight with eachother over everything and anything and always have negative experiences when they drink, yet continue to drink time after time. I worry about people sometimes, because I feel like some day something really bad is going to happen, and they've had so many chances to keep it from happening by learning from their mistakes, but they never do, and they're all going to be really upset when shit hits the fan. And It kills me to watch friends who care about other people they know have a drinking problem, and don't help them, but instead condone what they are doing. It kills me to watch this happen, because all they really need is someone who's strong enough to help.

It also really sucks to think you know someobody and then something happens and you end up losing so much respect for them based on how they handle a situation. People are so desperate for attention they are willing to throw away any morals or values they have just to get it. This keeps happening recently, especially with people I would've never imagined it happening to, and its starting to get to me. And i'm not saying im a great person and I haven't made any mistakes or done anything I shouldn't have, but losing everything you believe in just for someone elses approval is something I could and never would do, and it hurts me to watch my friends do that.

And I want to shake the world sometimes, with everyone being so caught up with how skinny you can be. I was with two friends and one of them (we'll call her joan) wanted to borrow a skirt from someone and (we'll call her alice) said she had one that she could lend for a bit. Joan was like "no thanks, i probably couldn't fit into your clothes you are a few sizes smaller than me." And Alice got sad that she couldnt help and her boyfriend was like "cant you see she just complimented you by telling you that you were smaller than her?"

I wanted to scream. Both of my friends are absolutely beautiful regardless of their size, and its scary that this world has gotten so obsessive over weight that a guy would think its a compliment for a friend would say their other firend is "smaller" than them. Can you imaging how dumb Joan felt when alices boyfriend made a comment how it was pretyt much better his girlfriend was skinnier than her. Both my friends are helathy, yet one is considered healthier and more attractive just because she weighs less. It sucks that the world is so caught up in all this crap. I notice how obsessive I can be about size, and how I get upset if I gain any weight, or if I eat too much one day, or jsut in general if i dont like the way something fits. I think everyone needs to read a book called
Fat?So! it's really interesting and it helps to show that weight isnt everything. it is a bit dramatic, but i think it is mocking how dramatic people can be about being thin.

This was just a bunch of random stuff that was making me think recently.

Emptying my head. Its fairly large, so this may take a while.

2008-04-28T08:10:43Z

I hate knowing that people can read what I write, and I rarely share anything I write with more than a handful of select individuals, but I decided to join livejournal so maybe if I write this down it will stop swimming around in my head. I'm not too keen on being a swimming pool to a random array of depressing thoughts. And sometimes knowing that any one person may have a remote understanding of how you feel can be slightly comforting. We'll see.

It's 3am and I definitely have a 9o'clock class, which I will most likely not be attending. I almost wish I could say I normally don't attend class and I dont care about my work, so then maybe things wouldnt seem so completely out of whack, but thats not true. I failed every class but two last semester, and it looks like thats going to go down again this semester. I haven't cared about much recently, especially my own well-being, so that can be a setback when you need to wake up at 8 in the morning to go to class.

Random thought: I was looking around online at facebook and such and it just made me think about how everything works out in this world, and why you meet the people you do, and why you feel a natural connection with some people right from the start, where as with others it takes a while to spark any sort of connection. There are a few people out there that I always think about for absolutely no reason. I only have minimal interactions with them, but for some reason, I find myself wondering what they do at night, and what makes them sad, or happy, or how they see themselves in the world. There are some people out there I feel some longing for, and I want to know as much as I can about them. I wonder why that is? Why there are people out there that you just naturally are drawn to regardless of how much you know about them. I also wonder if anyone really knows me the way I wish they would. I think about all my friends and family, and I don't know if anyone really sees all of who I am, which is depressing, but is really my fault in the end, because I dont tend to show all of myself to people. I guess i'm probably looking for someone who can really see me without having to put it all out there on display.

I also find myself thinking about people I don't even know all the time. I drive by people on the street, or see inside a window when walking by a house, and I start making up lives for the people I briefly view. I always thought this was kinda odd and a bit stalkerlike! =) But it makes you think that sometime maybe someone walked by your window and thought about you and what you were doing that day, and you had no idea anyone was even looking at you. That sounds creepy maybe but that stuff seems so wonderfuly amazing to me. So I like to keep those thoughts around when I get upset about everything. And I hope that people realize that you are probably being thought about a hell of a lot more than you realize. I know the people I wonder about the most are people who would never freakin guess that they would even pop into my head on any occassion. This worlds a craaazy place.

Which makes me need to vent about the "bad crazy" parts of the world. I get really pissed off at people for being so rediculously cruel and not even knowing it. Theres so many people I love but I just cannot understand how they cannot see that their actions have such a negative effect on others. You hear about people cheating on eachother, or stabbing friends in the back, and it just makes me feel sick thinking about how little emotion people feel for eachother. I watch oprah and cry just thinking about all the little homeless children that she has on her show who have such hard lives, so how could you not feel such deep emotion for someone who's so close to you? People really dont make sense sometimes. Maybe im just a bit over-emotional, but I get depressed for other people because they are just hurting so much and I know how that feels, so how can you not hurt when you see someone else hurt like that?

Sad note about this week: I broke my ipod, and simultaneously deleted my Itunes library, so I am music-less. Its like losing the one person I tell everything to. =( Music is such an escape. Back to limewire for me. Lets see how fun it is to get through a week without tegan&sara, guster, jack's mannequin, regina spektor, ani difranco, and all my other musically inclined friends at my side.

ON a positive note, since it sucks to end on a sad note, I got to go to the park twice this weekend and go on the swings for a rediculous amount of time which always makes me very happy. =) I <3 the swings